Let me be me....

November 5th, 09'

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?

Somehow I always go with the first.

One person recently told me I always go after what I want to aggresivly. He said he feels intimidated by me and the fact is, he believes I am better than him.

How ironic I thought, this whole time I was looking just for peace, security, love and life to share and home to call my own, and somehow I ended up having to prove myself over and over again that I am good enough for him, to a person who was insecure himself. I ended up trying to make myself a women I thought he wanted and ended up loosing the real me. The whole time while listening to him talk I just wanted to scream : Let me be myself, let me be me!

I almost laughed at the irony of it all, the whole time, since the very begining I was exactly the person he always said he wanted, I am focused on family, I have my priorities straight, I do just want normal and balanced life as booring as it may sound, but I also want to keep the creative, fashionable, wacky and childish side of myself that I love! I will never be the stepford wife or a perfect mother.

I want to have a modern wedding on the beach, travel with a husband I will adore and continue to have an amazing sex life. I want to work as well and have a life outside of the house.

I will jump the pudles on the rain and play soccer with my son one day and dance around the house in balerina costume with my daughter. I will bake cookies of different color with my kids and invest every second of my life to make my children and my husband happy and my home fun,warm and safe place to be.This is all me! I can't be tailored into a motheroid or wiferoid who will obey and fullfil her husbands expectations.

Funny the way it is...you date somebody and go through many rough and many wonderful times with this person and after this longer relationship you give up and eventually you meet another person under more calm conditons, or even as a rebound. This person shows just a bit of interest, listens to you complaining and seems not to have any troubles in the world.

You don't know this person, so she/he seems somhow so light and easy to get a long with. You start dating this person, everything stays superficial and light, easy life, you think.

Than, you marry this person after short time of dating you are thinking this is it and than life hits you. Later under the different circumstances you realize that you made a mistake and there is no going back.

One day you walk down the street and see her, the women you went through good and bad, and who you loved happy with somebody else.

xoxo,

~Kat~

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

The girl & the baby

27th October,2009.

There is this girl I know. Smart girl, emotional girl, successful girl,naive girl. Sad girl. Pregnant girl.

Recently this girl has found out she was five weeks pregnant just after a relationship break up.

First she was panicking,didn't sleep for days, she felt scared and hopeless, wasn't sure if and how to break the news to her ex. Than after screaming: "You liar!" at the 4th clear blue line positive pregnancy test, she went to see a doctor and had an ultrasound where doctor showed her this little peanut creature, at first she said she couldn't even find it on the screen so doctor had to circle him on the paper.
Now it is not such a little peanut anymore and is slowly but surly growing, has fingers and toes and all.

The doctor advised her to break the news to the father. She was gathering the courage to do it for days, and finally did it. At first he thought it was all a joke, first he was shocked, than scared, than a bit positive and than finally insulting and selfish, negative and hateful.He was mostly consumed with himself and about what will others say about it all, he did not ask her if she is ok, if she is scared, if she needs something.
Lastly, he called her to tell her he doesn't love her, to tell her he wants' to forget it all and move on with a new women who can "make him happy".

In the meantime she didn't tell a soul about it, two of us, her best friends know about the baby and are trying to be there for her as much as possible, and we know although every day she puts her brave smile on and keeps going, she is shaking inside.

On her way to the clinic, rushing from work she takes couple of deep breaths and right in front of the door before she walks in, she forces herself to stretch a big smile over her face and cheerfully saids hi to the receptionist.

Every time she goes to this fancy clinic, she sees couples excitedly holding hands, some fighting about the name or baby room color, some are visibly scared and sitting a chair apart...but they are all in couples, nobody looking perfectly happy or ready, but still they are all there together.

And than there is she. Sitting alone with the right hand instinctively on her stomach protecting the baby - as if she is telling him, hang in there little one, we will be ok.

The doctor is not making it easier on her either asking all these questions "Ouuuu this is going to be a gorgeous baby...real fighter, daddy is probably really excited! How come he did not came here with you?" and than the girl lies and saids: "He is just real busy, working and traveling a lot,has big career! He is really excited! Can't wait!"

By the end of the ultrasound, she feels the need for some fresh air...she dresses real quick keeps her smile while the elevator door closes and than breaks down and cries all the way home. She just needs a hug and somebody to tell her she is not alone and that everything is going to be alright.

The girl comes home...showers for hours thinking water will wash out all of the memories of him, all of his kisses, hugs, promises, his love, plans for the future together, his cheating, her mistakes, his lies, all of the fights...and make it all ok again, but that doesn't happen.

Next morning she dressed for work, pulls on a dark loose sweater and a big bright smile, holds her head high and bravely walks out.

xoxo

Kat

Wake up call

Did you ever find yourself angry at the person you care about and not quit knowing how you got to that position at the first place? Did you ever said things and moment later wish you hadn't? Did you ever over dramatized the situation and gave up? Do you often look back and regret?


If you said "NO" to any of the above, you are in denial.


Its ok, take a deep breath once in a while, self assess, smile and be grateful. Be grateful for the people who tought you stuff - good and bad. Understand your mistakes but don't be to hard on yourself, we learn something every day, life is a journey, do not rush it. Embrace every second of it, embrace people who love you, embrace those who broke your heart - you never know, you might meet them again. Nothing is final, everything can be fixed, its all up to you.


Today we have higher buildings and wider highways, but shorter temperments and narrower points of view. We spend more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses, but smaller families. We have more compromises, but less time. We have more knowledge, but less judgement. We have more medicines, but less health.We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.


We talk much, we love only a little, and we hate too much.We reached the moon and came back, but we find it troublesome to cross our own street and meet our neighbors. We have conquered the outer space, but not our inner space.We have higher income, but less morals…


These are times with more freedom, but less joy… With much more food, but less nutrition…These are days in which two salaries come home, but divorces increase. These are times of finer houses, but more broken homes.


That’s why I propose that as of today -- You do not keep anything for a special occasion, because every day that you live is a special occasion.

Search for knowledge, read more, sit and admire the view in front of your house without paying attention to the needs. Pass more time with your family, eat your favorite food, visit the place you love. Life is a chain of moments of enjoyment; it isn’t only survival. Wear your best clothes. Do not save your best perfume… use it every time you feel you want it. Take out from your vocabulary phrases like, “one of these days” and “someday” and "sacrifize for the future".


Let’s write that letter we thought of writing “one of these days…” , tell people "I love you" , "I am sorry" and "Thank you".


Dream, lough, love, live....

After the storm has passed

After three weeks long NYC vacation, I could not wait to come home and rest. Almost nothing went as planned, but I have learned about myself more than ever before. I had wonderful first two weeks and not so wonderful week following my birthday.

Good thing is that I have seen some of my friends who I had such a great time with and who were such a great support through it all, I did some shopping, I have seen many art and fashion exhibitions, I baked my first apple strudel, cleaned the apartment and tried to be a role model - supportive girlfriend, I fought a little, loved a lot, cried even more, I forgave and struggled to forget. Finally, I got a taste of what I would be dealing with if I stayed in that relationship.

I learned that I can forgive and be unselfish; I learned that not all people are able to be honest and truthful - even when you give them all your love. I realized that I to have made mistakes and I will try not to repeat them in the future. I did not know how to not love him; I only learned how to not let him go. I failed to realize how two people who are a good match for each other, with so much love, mutual plans and hopes in life just could not persevere and hang in there just a little bit longer!

However, I did learn how far I would go for love - around the world and back! I also learned that I am yet to meet the man who would do the same for me.

Even though it all came tumbling down under me, all of the future plans, my hopes, all of the dreams, the expectations of our love to stay strong and survive it all, all the invested effort and all of the emotions, I can be at peace knowing that I fought so, so, so hard for that relationship to work, I stayed gentle and caring until the very end, despite lies and pain and I still worry every day - but I did my part, now this battle is not mine to fight anymore.

Lastly, I walked away stronger and with my head up high. My only worry now are all the good memories I want to keep, these I am having hard time to let go, I wonder - If I stop thinking of you, will you be gone to me forever?

Fashion's night out in NYC

10.09.2009.
For today, Vogue and CFDA have organized international party celebrating style on four continents. It started as a New York thing but it expanded quickly to the rest of the world. More than 700 stores are participating across five boroughs and more than 12 countries around the world have organized their own version of the event.
NYC stores are organizing special shopping events, selling the event T-shirts and staying open until 11pm tonight.Anna Wintour imagined this initiative as a sale on 7th Av. with intention "to seduce people back to the stores and make them excited about shopping".


The recession had a major impact on peoples clothing shopping habits and their confidence; people became more careful and scared of uncertain future. In NYC more than 175,000 people are employed by the fashion industry which generates more than $10 billion in total wages, which is why NYC Major Bloomberg supported this event as vital way to give a boost to NYC economy within this crucial industry for the City area as well as the country and world overall.


Shopping in Barneys the day before the event, I got really excited about seeing the preparation process they did (catering preparations, window changes etc.), this is when the sales lady offered me to buy a Fashion's Night Out T-shirts for $30, of course I got it. Profits from shirt sale are going to the National September 11th Memorial & Museum. There was also a clothing drive "Shop for Good" where people could drop their gently used clothes which will after Sep.12th be donated to NYC AIDS drive.


Many major store chain representatives expressed their excitement about this event and would love to see it become a tradition as an introduction to Fashion Week which will translate the runway craze into retail energy. They said that the focus here is not to make huge sales within this one day, but to excite people about people and bring them back to the stores. Many stores offered finger food and drinks, cosmetic giveaways and award games, many had a celebrity guests and designer make over, runway walk lessons and style tips by famous stylists.


First, opening event happened in Macy's in Queens where Anna Wintour, Major Bloomberg and special celebrity guest Blake Lively from gossip girls, the cast of "Hair" gave performed three songs.Oscar de la Renta was (literary) serenading to his customer at his 5th Av. store, Alexandar Wang, Proenza and Shouler's were selling their wares out of the vintage car trunk in front of their Soho stores, Justin Timberlake had a pop up store for William Rast in Saks 5th Av. Olson twins visited Bergdorf Goodman where other celebrities also appeared, the line to enter the store was around the block at 7pm already.


As for a celebrity seeing I saw Blake Lively right by the back entrance of Bergdorf and Sarah Jessica Parker, as I was coming back from the MET earlier in the day, she was on the set of shooting Sex & the City 2.


I spend most of the day in MET, I was absolutely excited seeing work of Picasso, Monet, Salvador Dali and many others up close! After that, around 3 pm I had a Greek lunch - pita and green tea with mint, I went to Barnes and Nobels to read some fashion magazines and bought a new fashion history book - I really need to stop or I am going to pay another plane ticket for my extra baggage.


At 7 pm I met Ania and Ola and we went to Rugby Ralph Lauren for a Fashion's Night Out, there was a fair number of people there, DJ Matt was spinning, yellow and blue chocolate cupcakes were served and there was a cool instant photo booth with which we had lots of fun, sales people were giving away small Rugby balls and dancing around, and Rugby also issued its own newspapers with style tips and introduced many new peaches and ways of personalizing your Rugby clothes. It was great seeing all of my friends there and seeing new Rugby fall and trans collections can't wait to do some shopping there before I go back home.


September Vogue is out, Fashion's night out is over, designers are carefully optimistic...Mercedes Benz Fashion Week has oficially started.


xoxo from New York :)


~Kat~

Love-pacer

Since my last post I have been thinking and researching a very complex matter of heart. I conducted my research on a fair sample of my closest girlfriends and myself.

Now after weeks of listening to their stories and living my own, sitting here in my soft pink cow pattern bath rope, I feel ready to share it with all of you guys.

As most women do, after we finished discussing current economic situation, current fashion trends, each others office gossips or mutual acquaintances' "Ouu my Gosh did you hear...." stories, we did our personal love situation reviews in a clockwise manner around the McCafé table.

We were talking about how it often happens that a girl loses herself in a lovey-dovey-kissy-smoochy kind of a way when in love. One gets emotional and slowly but surely men feel like they can get away with almost anything.

So, while she is floating on her soft and cozy cloud nine without a seatbelt or a parachute for emergencies, he is piloting her sky with his manly guard, flirty cool attitude, parachute on his back, goggles on, extra air supply beside him and with a firm grip on the steering wheel, taking her higher and higher.

All through this "flight" she never thinks he would let her fall. He would never do anything to hurt her- he always used to say, but he eventually does. Sometimes he gets carried away piloting this plane, drives a bit to fast and drops her by accident. Than he flies back down real fast and catches her before she hits the ground, apologizing and promising he will never ever do it again.

She gets back on her cloud, this time she holds it a little tighter, but as the time goes she relaxes, loosens her grip and she is floating once again. Than, it happens that he drops her and she hits the floor real hard, it is painful and her heart is completely broken.

Now, I am not going to act as a firm feminist and say women should always be a pilot of their own planes, nor that she needs to be sneaky and get him before he gets her.

I was just thinking how nice it would be if there was some kind of a heart-love-pacer machine...like a little gadget you buy for $59.99 in pharmacy and place on your chest. Let’s call it a Love-pacer.

This gadget would pace your feelings towards a person you get to like. So you could turn it on and enter the data of the guy you fancy. You could enter the start date and on the need basis - the end date (this applies to summer romances, when you know he will go back to his country and probably never return).

It would be great if it could be adjusted accordingly as you are getting to know the guy, you know? Just like a +/- list many women make when still not sure if a guy is a dating material or not, but much more sophisticated with wires and all.

So let’s say he treats you right, he is honest and loving - you turn your Love -pacer to 40% - so you feel ok to return same feelings to him.

Let’s say you are suspecting he could be a player, than you make him work and prove himself otherwise, but play it safe and keep the Love-pacer to safe 15%.

If after a steadily growth, you allow yourself to get to 90% and decide to marry a guy, go ahead turn it to a big double zero -100%, but remember - never, ever, ever take the Love-pacer off.

Ohh..I wish such a thing existed...I know it seems so not romantic and cowardly.What is a great love story without some pain, suffering and broken heart? One would say.

It is an entertainment. Until it happens to you.

                                                                       xoxo,

Recession in fashion - Dress for less

Economize
Dictionary: e·con·o·mize (ĭ-kŏn'ə-mīz')
1.To practice economy, as by avoiding waste or reducing expenditures.
2.To make economical use of something



Right, Webster was a really smart fellow. I am not so sure that he was a fine dresser. Anyhow, one thing is for sure, recession is hitting us on all fields, so is the case with dressing and shopping. Does this mean we should stop spending money on clothes, shoes and make up?



Of course NOT!!! It is very important to continue to stimulate economy by continuous input of fresh cash. In short, by spending, you are actually helping general bad state of the economy.However, the key is, spend less than what you earn. It does sound simple, but it is the hardest thing for people to learn. I am the prime example.



Now, the current state in retail is seemingly very beneficial for the consumer, right? Sales everywhere! This however encourages you to shop for things that are cheap, not those that you necessarily need or are of a good quality. Basically with the economic situation as it is, you simply cannot afford to buy cheap stuff. You are looking for good quality pieces that are timeless and fit your personality.



So we could have seen on Paris, New York and Milan Fashion Weeks for Fall 2009. your timeless dark and light grays, blacks, browns, beiges all were spiced up with zippers, shoulder pads, big chunky statement industrial jewelry , tie high boots, lather pants, sequins, men shoes, interesting head pieces etc. Designers could not afford to make cheap and weak collections.



Cost saving was definitely noticeable, but not in a bad way. In contrary, many designers showed their strength by going back to their roots and covering basics.

Gareth Pugh did a video fashion show which showed fashion pieces and fabrics in a whole new dimension.
Botega Veneta did many feminine value added pieces: white coats, great detailing, low back dresses.
Marni focused on investment pieces as well, he did great fur coats and peacoats, short skirts, huge chunky jewelry and line chain necklaces.
Angelo Missioni had a vision of ice princess who wore layered cardigans, light and delicate lace pieces in pale pink and baby blue armored with huge chunky knits.

My favorites were:
Zac Posen - Zac's story happened in Paris in 1920's Patty Smith era, he did gorgeous silk dresses and suites in pale pink and gold. His message to women was to create their goddess existence.
Ana Sui did not disappoint, her collection was of course colorful, hippy, feminine and gothic-cool, she used feathers and designed some great head pieces.
I loved Alex Wang's rock and roll minimalistic look. Alex did leather pants and tailored jackets, great texture and finishing in black and white, beading with bras-nickel metals, beautiful purple dresses and great sequin hoods and hats.
I also loved Oscar de la Renta's gowns, smokey eyes, duchess hair puffs kind of look and wool-fur combinations in red, orange, blue and purple.
Donna Karan created gorgeous gowns and skirts by cutting and draping, these easy and flexible pieces came in purple, red, burgundy and blue.

Of the chart were my top favorites "beyond fashion" designers:

Galliano for Dior - with Ukrainian virgin bride muse who wore coin necklaces, gray, silver green and red pieces - see-through silk pants and wide and long sleeve dresses with gorgeous beading.
Ana McGibons made a great collection for Chloe, great capes, rolled up pants, black velvet overalls, military colors, tall shorts, oversized coats and a special beige sleeveless dress with high neck.
McQueen did a very strong collection - colorful tights, long skirts and coats, great hats, all in red, white and black, very fetish, fierce and gothic.
While Karl Lagerfeld for Chanel did super cool retro hats, deep V front tops in black, white, jade green and pale pink, body suites, high neck and half sleeve.

In conclusion, try to pull the inspiration out of next seasons designer pieces, pay attention to details and invest in timeless pieces which are always in style.
Luckily, many spring items are still in, like harem pants which just got sequin detailing for fall, chunky jewelry and zippers are back, red lips and high tie boots are still in-style from last fall. Please note that shoulder pads are optional trend worth of passing.

Let the recession inspire you to recreate, reuse, shop for vintage pieces, go through your grandma's closet or simply organize a little yard sale or trade among your girlfriends with stuff you grew out of or were given and it doesn’t fit your personality.
If you are a designer wearing girl, you can now get the designer jewelry for less: Erickson Beamon did jewelry collection for Target, in Croatia Leonarda Boban did a cute jewelry collection for Kozmo drug stores, so there is something there for every budget.

Get inspired!

xoxo