Anybody like nobody

Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice.

I really believed that once I put myself out there, explore my options and have some fun, I will forgive and forget, move on and be happier. Now, I have mostly forgotten, there are options, but I got disappointed in so many ways.


 Let me explain, since I fell in love with Mr. Perfect - the love of my life, who during last year and a half or so became more of a "guy who is not realizing that he lost me forever" - Mr. Only a Banker.




I have finally given into the other guys, who I ignored for the past couple of years because I was Ouu so in love with Mr. Only a Banker now. There were three guys who I gave some attention - so I decided to do a sort of a research, date them all for a while to see who will try the hardest and eventually maybe even make me believe in love again. Boy was I wrong.


There was a Mr. Cool Guy. At first I liked this guy the most because he seemed smart, with good head on his shoulders, athletic and good looking, he cared about his friends and family a lot and seemed to be a gentleman which totally won me over. I have started to genuinely care about him, but than once we got to know each other better - he slowly revealed his primitive side. He was only interested in one thing, he seemed intimidated with my independence and his ego started to hurt. ELIMINATED.

 Next, there is Mr. Athlete. Mr. Athlete is a special of the three. It all started very casually and friendly. I have never taken him seriously as he is traveling a lot, could not trust anything he said because he gave the impression that women are objects for him and that he picks/buys them like I would pair of shoes - but with much less consideration, focusing only on visual appeal. However, as I got to know him better, I realized this is just a mask he is wearing to protect himself from being used. He is very talented and artistic in more than just his sport. He is very fun to be around, down to earth and emotional, although he is trying to play it cool. One huge thing that goes against him is that he is not trying to get to know me at all other than physically, he is not reliable, and I have started to miss him and care for him to much. PENDING ELIMINATION.


The last but not the least is Mr. Nice Guy. He is the one who I was curious about the most as we both got out of bad relationships and we both were and are scared to get emotional. Mr. Nice Guy is good looking, ambitious with what he does and very calm, really genuinely a nice guy. There was a lot of chemistry between us at first. Than I was indecisive between the three. I felt like he is also multiple dating, so it kind of watered down. We started to see each other more often now so we will see, lately he has shown me a lot of his qualities but there are still some doubts in my head as I am still unclear of what is exactly that I want. TBD.

 I realize that I might be looking for a lot, but I really believe that there is ONE guy who is ambitious, good looking, creative and confident enough not be intimidated by my independence and who will except me as I am - with all my drama, everything I do and don't do, my passions and my fears.


Because dating just anybody is like dating nobody and I want HIM to be somebody.


Xoxo,
          ~Kat~

" Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the common place, the slaves of the ordinary."

~Cecil Beaton~

Life ain't no fairytale

         I was talking to a number of my female friends recently and there is a common thread in the way they talk about relationships, man and their expectations - its caution. It seems that in our age (mid twenties) we get hit with cultural expectations of finishing college, starting to work and becoming a wife and a mother. Our own expectations of having a career of our dreams, staying good looking and skinny, to continue to have careless fun as we did during college all while transitioning in the grown ups world where we are responsible for our actions and the consequences of them. While we were growing up our mothers have read us stories about often poor women being saved from evil and troubles by a handsome young rich man on a white horse who liked her because she is so young and pretty with a rosy cheeks, cooking, cleaning but being bullied by a jealous women, step sisters or an evil witch. Seriously???

             How do we expect young man and women to be prepared for a real life, heartbreak and disappointments when we are programming young women from an early age that the only way to live happily ever after is to marry a rich man and have no ambition, and putting a pressure on young boys that the only way for them to marry a good looking and kind women is to earn/inherit a lot of money and save her from all the evils. Let’s be real.

    Why don't they make children books to teach kids to respect people and treat them equally no matter how rich they are, what’s their religion or color of their skin. Create Barbie who is a single mother, successful business women and has children or Ken who is gay, black or a Muslim???

      Why don't we teach the kids not to bully others in school because they are poor, fat or have a lisp??? Being programmed with all the fairytales and protected from the reality in young age did us no good. Today when lies and cheating in relationship and marriage is more of a rule that exception it is crucial that we are prepared. Men in mid twenties often crack under pressure and lack the maturity and women seem to get so disappointed by numerous heartbreaks that they start acting like men do or on the other hand they overwhelm a man with care and attention so much that they dedicate all their time to the relationship only - which results in a pressure for a man who looks for his way out, scared of commitment and of not fulfilling her expectations.


Most of my girlfriends are in the phase I mentioned first - we act like man do now, maintaining a superficial relationship, dropping them before it becomes too serious in a fear of a heartbreak.


Their must be a better way...more balanced middle...or are we still just kissing frogs and our prince is yet to come?


Xoxo,
               Kat

In 2010. I will......

   Sometimes relationships are like those organic granolas you have for healthy breakfast the first week of the execution of your New Years resolution when you are still running at 6 am, sleeping your full 8 hours, carrying bottled water around at work, eating funny packaged organic food which before you could hardly even pronounce and religiously counting how many times a day you poop.

This is all while you are still motivated and well spirited about it all and believing in it, and before the actual muscle and joint pain from not stretching and over exhausting your body after living like a mess for past how many months? – and eventually quitting and going back to bad old habits.

Why so negative? It doesn’t need to be necessarily.
The similarity of it is that we do NOT need to go back to old destructive habits, nor we need to enter the relationships that our hunch is telling us will not finish well. This is like adding spoiled milk to those already wood chips tasting organic granolas.
We still get involved in such relationships, which are doomed to fail, because it is the easy way out of “bad, avoid by all cost - singleness”.

On the other hand, it every so often happens that one is in a good quality relationship promising to end with “happily ever after” tale – and is so blind and ungrateful, maybe scared of not fulfilling the expectations until one looses it all for good and than realizes it years to late, although there are some who lack self reflection so much that they never see any own miss-outs at all and blame it all on “holly destiny”. My dears, this is equal to bing eating after working your but off in the gym – self destructive and stupid.


Casualty of above often takes up another approach to dating and relationships.

It is called: Oh so disappointed with all man “stay cool bitch” approach. This approach brings you man salivating all over your Manolos ladies, but it doesn’t allow you to be yourself – although all this acting might bring you Oscar if you are in entertainment business ;) We do it because we want to stay in the loop and feel man’s attention (many man – plural), but are not ready to get much physical, emotional and “relationshipish” so we just drop them while they are still hot and still working hard to prove themselves worthy of your time.

This is all while healing and rebounding heavily – and anticipating that one “real man” who will provide you with comfort, protection, honesty and safe emotional haven we are all longing to have in a man. Just like we are all striving to keep that New Years resolution just a bit longer than last year at least!

“One step at a time…there’s no need to rush its like learning to fly or falling in love…”

Xoxo,

~ Kat

Aliments délicieux dans Zagreb

November, 21st

Last couple of days I have been hungrier than usual and due to lack of time, lack of culinary talent and some other excuses I can make on spot, I have started to eat out more and used this opportunity to socialize more with my friends who I have neglected much since I joined the new company.

Since I moved back to Croatia I have been slowly but surely nesting in Zagreb and I tried to find ways to enjoy my city as a different person I am now versus a little girl I was when I left.

When I left to study and to live in US I have grown and matured a lot, my interests changed and while I was away Zagreb has grown and matured as well. He changed. Currently we are trying to develop a brand new relationship, more serious one than before. I think I have started to fall for him all over again, this time I think it might be for life.

Last week my friends Tomislav and Matija and his girlfriend went for a dinner at the city center to fancy Italian restaurant called Stefano located in the historic palace from the beginning of 20ct. the atmosphere was warm and intimate and the service was helpful but discreet.

Other than amazing wine and buffalo stake my male friends loved, I enjoyed a smoked octopus salad with parmesan cheese and ricola and home made bread, I also loved panna cotta with berries I had for dessert. I definitely recommend it for first dates, to all the guys who want to impress the girls with amazing food and still would like to get to know her better and chat in this intimate environment.

Couple of days earlier when I went for a girls night out of dancing with two of my very close friends and before which I stopped by for a huge nutella, coconut and cherries crape they make on the street corners in a cute little window service restaurants.

We went for a late night sandwich at the very well known sandwich bar called Pingvin, it is located at one of the theatre's entrances and after a great night of dancing in clubs everybody rushes their for an amazing sandwich, they are all made fresh on the spot. My favorite one was a grilled vegetable sandwich in a pocket like bread which the fill with grilled veggies, tartar sauce and fresh salad.

A week before that when planning this fashion project I am working on, the organizer took me to great Japanese restaurant called Takenoko. As I am very familiar with Japanese food having Japanese roommates during college, I think I can freely say their Misoshiro soup and tofu wok were great. I definitely recommend it for business lunches/dinners.

Another great place I was absolutely delighted with was Hellas. A friend took me there to cheer me up and he definitely did, we had so much fun as this place as people who work in Hellas are full of positive energy and very pleasant, we ate a lot and stayed there talking for hours.

Hellas is an authentic Greek restaurant located close to the old church, where there is always a lot of people, atmosphere is fantastic and the food is amazing, the place is decorated to look very authentic and it takes you straight to Greece, there is an open fireplace in the wine basement and two more floors of the restaurant area. I absolutely adore their Kokino soup, an amazing home made bread with olives, Roca Tiri salad and of course their Baklava.

I leave you with the picture of some dishes:

Bon appetit! :)



xoxo,
Kat

Let me be me....

November 5th, 09'

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?

Somehow I always go with the first.

One person recently told me I always go after what I want to aggresivly. He said he feels intimidated by me and the fact is, he believes I am better than him.

How ironic I thought, this whole time I was looking just for peace, security, love and life to share and home to call my own, and somehow I ended up having to prove myself over and over again that I am good enough for him, to a person who was insecure himself. I ended up trying to make myself a women I thought he wanted and ended up loosing the real me. The whole time while listening to him talk I just wanted to scream : Let me be myself, let me be me!

I almost laughed at the irony of it all, the whole time, since the very begining I was exactly the person he always said he wanted, I am focused on family, I have my priorities straight, I do just want normal and balanced life as booring as it may sound, but I also want to keep the creative, fashionable, wacky and childish side of myself that I love! I will never be the stepford wife or a perfect mother.

I want to have a modern wedding on the beach, travel with a husband I will adore and continue to have an amazing sex life. I want to work as well and have a life outside of the house.

I will jump the pudles on the rain and play soccer with my son one day and dance around the house in balerina costume with my daughter. I will bake cookies of different color with my kids and invest every second of my life to make my children and my husband happy and my home fun,warm and safe place to be.This is all me! I can't be tailored into a motheroid or wiferoid who will obey and fullfil her husbands expectations.

Funny the way it is...you date somebody and go through many rough and many wonderful times with this person and after this longer relationship you give up and eventually you meet another person under more calm conditons, or even as a rebound. This person shows just a bit of interest, listens to you complaining and seems not to have any troubles in the world.

You don't know this person, so she/he seems somhow so light and easy to get a long with. You start dating this person, everything stays superficial and light, easy life, you think.

Than, you marry this person after short time of dating you are thinking this is it and than life hits you. Later under the different circumstances you realize that you made a mistake and there is no going back.

One day you walk down the street and see her, the women you went through good and bad, and who you loved happy with somebody else.

xoxo,

~Kat~

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

The girl & the baby

27th October,2009.

There is this girl I know. Smart girl, emotional girl, successful girl,naive girl. Sad girl. Pregnant girl.

Recently this girl has found out she was five weeks pregnant just after a relationship break up.

First she was panicking,didn't sleep for days, she felt scared and hopeless, wasn't sure if and how to break the news to her ex. Than after screaming: "You liar!" at the 4th clear blue line positive pregnancy test, she went to see a doctor and had an ultrasound where doctor showed her this little peanut creature, at first she said she couldn't even find it on the screen so doctor had to circle him on the paper.
Now it is not such a little peanut anymore and is slowly but surly growing, has fingers and toes and all.

The doctor advised her to break the news to the father. She was gathering the courage to do it for days, and finally did it. At first he thought it was all a joke, first he was shocked, than scared, than a bit positive and than finally insulting and selfish, negative and hateful.He was mostly consumed with himself and about what will others say about it all, he did not ask her if she is ok, if she is scared, if she needs something.
Lastly, he called her to tell her he doesn't love her, to tell her he wants' to forget it all and move on with a new women who can "make him happy".

In the meantime she didn't tell a soul about it, two of us, her best friends know about the baby and are trying to be there for her as much as possible, and we know although every day she puts her brave smile on and keeps going, she is shaking inside.

On her way to the clinic, rushing from work she takes couple of deep breaths and right in front of the door before she walks in, she forces herself to stretch a big smile over her face and cheerfully saids hi to the receptionist.

Every time she goes to this fancy clinic, she sees couples excitedly holding hands, some fighting about the name or baby room color, some are visibly scared and sitting a chair apart...but they are all in couples, nobody looking perfectly happy or ready, but still they are all there together.

And than there is she. Sitting alone with the right hand instinctively on her stomach protecting the baby - as if she is telling him, hang in there little one, we will be ok.

The doctor is not making it easier on her either asking all these questions "Ouuuu this is going to be a gorgeous baby...real fighter, daddy is probably really excited! How come he did not came here with you?" and than the girl lies and saids: "He is just real busy, working and traveling a lot,has big career! He is really excited! Can't wait!"

By the end of the ultrasound, she feels the need for some fresh air...she dresses real quick keeps her smile while the elevator door closes and than breaks down and cries all the way home. She just needs a hug and somebody to tell her she is not alone and that everything is going to be alright.

The girl comes home...showers for hours thinking water will wash out all of the memories of him, all of his kisses, hugs, promises, his love, plans for the future together, his cheating, her mistakes, his lies, all of the fights...and make it all ok again, but that doesn't happen.

Next morning she dressed for work, pulls on a dark loose sweater and a big bright smile, holds her head high and bravely walks out.

xoxo

Kat

Wake up call

Did you ever find yourself angry at the person you care about and not quit knowing how you got to that position at the first place? Did you ever said things and moment later wish you hadn't? Did you ever over dramatized the situation and gave up? Do you often look back and regret?


If you said "NO" to any of the above, you are in denial.


Its ok, take a deep breath once in a while, self assess, smile and be grateful. Be grateful for the people who tought you stuff - good and bad. Understand your mistakes but don't be to hard on yourself, we learn something every day, life is a journey, do not rush it. Embrace every second of it, embrace people who love you, embrace those who broke your heart - you never know, you might meet them again. Nothing is final, everything can be fixed, its all up to you.


Today we have higher buildings and wider highways, but shorter temperments and narrower points of view. We spend more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses, but smaller families. We have more compromises, but less time. We have more knowledge, but less judgement. We have more medicines, but less health.We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.


We talk much, we love only a little, and we hate too much.We reached the moon and came back, but we find it troublesome to cross our own street and meet our neighbors. We have conquered the outer space, but not our inner space.We have higher income, but less morals…


These are times with more freedom, but less joy… With much more food, but less nutrition…These are days in which two salaries come home, but divorces increase. These are times of finer houses, but more broken homes.


That’s why I propose that as of today -- You do not keep anything for a special occasion, because every day that you live is a special occasion.

Search for knowledge, read more, sit and admire the view in front of your house without paying attention to the needs. Pass more time with your family, eat your favorite food, visit the place you love. Life is a chain of moments of enjoyment; it isn’t only survival. Wear your best clothes. Do not save your best perfume… use it every time you feel you want it. Take out from your vocabulary phrases like, “one of these days” and “someday” and "sacrifize for the future".


Let’s write that letter we thought of writing “one of these days…” , tell people "I love you" , "I am sorry" and "Thank you".


Dream, lough, love, live....